Cheaters

Someone asked me the other day: “why do people “cheat” in relationships?” Sometimes I think every question about human behavior can be explained with the four simple words: “because it feels good.” Yes, as creatures, we are just that hedonistic. So why cheat? Perhaps people are tempted to be unfaithful because it makes them feel like they have some agency in their life again.

Monogamy (and especially marriage) is so mythically over-determined that it begins to feel and look like a social obligation or inevitability. After a relationship is “secured,” it begins to feel “normal”—in other words: not an individual choice, but a social “thing.” In fact, every action between individuals—every word, relationship, touch—is a unique individual choice, and must be accounted for accordingly. This all sounds a little menacing. But I believe that if we thought of our identities [male, white, black, single, married, with children] as being made up of different kinds of individual choices and actions, we would not only act more responsibly and considerately towards others, but we would inhabit our lives more fully [actively, presently] and [most importantly] with more pleasure.